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getting to the core of intellectual angst, philosophical force, emotional intelligence. If Abie’s language of intimacy is touch, mine is big talk-the opposite of small talk, e.g. The ones I don’t work with are mostly the husbands of my female friends, and this classification of “friendship” is based purely on the fact that we have text message threads in which neither of our spouses is present. I have only a fistful of genuine-as in, close-friendships with heterosexual men. His language of intimacy depends a lot on touch (I know this because he literally thanks me every time I run my fingers through his hair, or rub his shoulders, or reach for his hand), and when you can experience such deep connection based simply on the act of making physical contact (whether in a platonic setting or not) with another person, and you’re hellbent on Doing What’s Right (which, bless him, he is), it builds a wall that is challenging to bring down. And if I may be so bold as to put words in his mouth or ideas in his head, I wonder if, because he is so regimented-so loyal to his discipline, his personal compass of restraint-he keeps a distance.
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What he means when he says connectivity, I think, is intimacy. As his argument goes: There is always tension when you’re with someone with whom you could have sex, and that tension erodes the capacity for genuine connectivity. My husband, Abie, is sure that you, or at least he, can’t maintain a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex-a woman who is not me.